The Suicide Reference: Part 3 – Etiquette

Knowing why you want to kill yourself and how to do it doesn’t give you the liberty to streak yourself to death on the streets. Sure you may be leaving this world forever and don’t really care about what others think anymore, but for the courtesy of others, you must follow some rules. You are supposed to leave a legacy behind, not poop. You must be considerate of others and make sure that they do not feel the slightest inconvinience from your final acts. If you want your death to cause a strong impact to people and society as a whole you must make sure to follow these rules carefully, or else nobody will give a shit. You should try your best to do this right or else die trying. So anyway, here are the 10 Rules of Suicide:

  1. Let people know where to find you. There’s no point killing yourself in style if your corpse is found a year later, without any strands of evidence of what you did. Always remember to leave your suicide note in a place where people will look first, like your house or the bar, and then give directions on how to find you. Treasure maps are always fun, so you could leave a number of clues leading to your body, or maybe trick the readers by giving two other false directions, and provide a prize for the one who guesses right. In case your method of dying is Explosion, you will need to provide a hundred meter radius of where to find your body parts.
  2. Let people know who you are. If you are planning to make it a public event, you need the audience to associate a name and face to what they would be witnessing. In this case, introduce yourself before you jump from that building. Maybe wear a T-shirt with your name on it (never wear football jerseys unless you want to be confused for Ronaldo or something). If the event is not public, then carry an ID card on you.
  3. Wear Formals. You never know who’s going to find your body. If it’s an unsuspecting gentleman and his lady on their way to dinner, it’s rather inappropriate if you are in your shorts, or worse, naked. An Armani suit would be perfect. Bow optional.
  4. Leave something for the cleaners. If your death is a messy one, leave a tip for the guys who will be picking up your body parts. Just because your day went bad, doesn’t mean their’s should too.
  5. Write a will. Make sure the lawyer knows who gets what, lest your family members start fighting. You don’t want your children separating because you were stupid enough to forget to divide your belongings (if any).
  6. Pay your bills and cancel all subscribed services. Be considerate to the milkman, postman, lewd magazine provider, newspaper guy, telephone guy, electricity dude, hot pizza girl and of course your drug dealer. Inform them that their business is going to suffer a hit, but make sure to invite them to your funeral.
  7. Plan your funeral. Get a jazzy place, maybe hire a band, and be absolutely confident about the quality of food your caterers provide. There’s nothing worse than going to a depressing funeral and getting loose motions the next day. Keep the guests entertained at all times. Clowns are a particular asset if you have children. You might also contact the local drama team to enact your death to enlighten the unaware.
  8. Pick a good time. Be considerate to your guests’ schedules. Do not choose a date when everybody will be busy at work or school. Somewhere around summer break sounds good. Make it a sunday if possible.
  9. Write your own Death Certificate. Attach this to your suicide note so that it’s not hard to find. Not only will this save your family members and unpaid lawyer (notice his name is not there in Rule #6) some work, but it will also make sure that the certificate is accurate (spelling and cause of death) and genuine (sign it yourself).
  10. End with a happy note. Don’t spoil the day of everybody around you just because you had a great idea. Remember to add “Have a nice day :-)” at the end of your suicide note/tape/video. The smiley face is of utmost importance. Add two more to be extra polite.

4 Responses to “The Suicide Reference: Part 3 – Etiquette”

  1. 1 silly_girl September 8, 2008 at 11:02 pm

    a rather interesting read…
    However, one important thing left unconsidered here is how to inform the family/friends/those_who_care. A letter to serve that purpose would be passe. Perhaps send an obituary yourself to the newspaper read by your family?

  2. 2 Verminox September 9, 2008 at 4:58 pm

    Ahhh, a very good point. Although rule #1 might serve that purpose. A treasure hunt starting at home that leads to your body is more exciting. Then again, considering that you are killing yourself, what are the chances that there are actually those who care?

  3. 3 mario December 8, 2010 at 10:36 pm


  4. 4 salinasholman61844 April 8, 2016 at 7:59 pm

    We use the same recipe, but have difficulty getting the soap to dissolve in cold water. Currently trying smaller holes in the grater. Definitely like Click

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