The Suicide Reference: Part 2 – Methods

By now you’ve figured out exactly why you dont want to hang around in life anymore (if not, see Part 1). You’ve made up your mind and nothing and nobody can change it. There you go then. It’s almost time. But wait! Don’t pull that trigger yet! There’s much to learn and understand about how exactly you want to bring about your self demise.

Suicide is not just about dying, it’s about killing yourself. Once you’ve decided that you are going to undertake this final task, there’s no use of fading away in some cold little hospital with tubes sticking into your nose. You want to do something to yourself which you will not regret later on (not that you could anyway).

Maybe you want to take efforts in making this moment memorable, or maybe you want it to be quick. Maybe you’d like to invest in something that will improve your experience or maybe you want to save the money for someone else. Whatever your criterias are, this article will help you figure out which method you need to choose. Again, this is not an exhaustive list by any means, but it’s a good start to a strain of thought. Methods are rated out of 10 for each of the following:

  1. Feasibility. Is the method easily doable? Is it straightforward or is there a learning curve involved? Does the method fit in your budget or do you have to invest time and money into this?
  2. Style. How cool is it? Does it have the glamour that you’ve always wanted? Would it attract sufficient media attention or would it just be the talk of the local bar?
  3. Efficiency. Does it wipe you out in one go? Are there chances that the method might fail and leave you scarred or limp for life (gee not that again)? Will it incorporate in generating a lack of intrest for future attempts of this event?
  4. Pain. Does it hurt bad? Or is it quick and harmless? Choosing a method that is low on pain might compromise the Style factor, but here’s being considerate to the weak-hearted.
  5. Impact. Will it have a long lasting impact on those who care (if any)? What will be the reaction of the next person who finds your corpse?

Alright, so here goes. In no particular order, some Methods of Self Demise:

Decapitation

Will Work for HeadBeheading yourself would be one of the hardest ways of killing yourself, and its the one of the most common methods of executioning for centuries, yet its one of the most stunning methods in the list. No doubt this would be a head raiser (no pun intended) but the cost of a guillotine could be rather heavy on your pocket. There is also a slight learning curve involved to get the guillotine assembled properly but its no problem if you just use your head (no pun intended again). Waste disposal (of your head) also becomes an issue. But this method is sure to bring you a quick end and so finish any off with any last phone calls before you get cut off (pun intended).

  • Feasibility: 3
  • Style: 8
  • Efficiency: 9
  • Pain: 4
  • Impact: 7

Defenestration

Getting yourself thrown out of a window or bridge is easy, and, if you choose a nice public spot (eg. Empire State Building, Shaquille O’Neal’s head, The Moon), you are sure to get grand spectatorship. Wasp Jumping In fact, just screaming from the top of a building is enough to get all the local and national news stations alerted and it’s possible for you to make your jump on Live TV too! For best effects throw a few things down first, such as water baloons or glass or your cat to give people an idea of what to expect. Then plunge head first! Be warned though, if you do not choose an adequate height or wait too long till the circus freaks get their trampolines your plans could get badly thwarted. If you do it right though, the scaterring of limbs at the bottom of the pit will create an excellent activity for the 6th graders looking to keep your city Clean and Green.

  • Feasibility: 10
  • Style: 5
  • Efficiency: 6
  • Pain: 5
  • Impact: 6

Hang Thyself

No noose is good noose, right? WRONG. Hanging yourself could very well be a spectator sport, and perfecting your noose to fit you best is a very intresting activity. It also guarentees success, although the speed of success is ambigious meaning you need to be able to take some downright pain. The best part about it though is that if done right (such as from a ceiling fan just that is running), it can create a devestating sight for the next person who bumps into you. Very amusing.

  • Feasibility: 8
  • Style: 7
  • Efficiency: 8
  • Pain: 7
  • Impact: 8

Explosion

Speaking of limbs being scattered around, why not let your entire body be shattered to bits and pieces.Suicide BomberBuilding your own explosives set and setting it off is not the hardest thing in the world (though it involves a learning curve and high budget) and the satisfaction of usnig something you created yourself with your own sweat and tears is unmatchable. The fireworks also make great entertainment if you have kids at home and the loud noise will be ringing in your family’s ears for ever and ever. The advantage is that there is a 100% guarentee that life will end instantly, most often even before the brain can register the explosion. Instantly vapourized. Neat.

  • Feasibility: 2
  • Style: 10
  • Efficiency: 10
  • Pain: 0
  • Impact: 8

Drug Overdose

Drunk Homer Getting stoned (not literally) to death is one of the most enjoyable methods. Who wouldn’t like to be high for the last moments of their career as a human being?Watching colourful hexagons floating in the middle of nowhere, hallucinating about dragons and butterflies, and before you know it, it all goes black. Sure your body will suffer extreme effects and you don’t just die instantly but hey, you wouldn’t notice a thing! Disadvantage is that its a rather boring and selfish act. Nobody else would care much and hence it’s not recommended for those who like the spotlight. Theres also the risk of not being in the right state of mind to know you are supposed to consume too much and actually getting up the next morning with the worst hangover man could receive (and you thought your life was bad).

  • Feasibility: 6
  • Style: 1
  • Efficiency: 3
  • Pain: 2
  • Impact: 1

Hold Your Breath

The most challenging suicide technique ever. Most people say its impossible. Some even say that it would be easier to lick your elbow. But then again, there was a time when we thought the Earth was flat. You never know whether you can do it unless you try. Although its not much of a crowd puller. some literary pieces may make a note or mention of you being one of the very first to do this right. It’s a nice and clean method, and its free, but don’t underestimate the balls required to pull it off. Full points for manliness!

  • Feasibility: 1
  • Style: 6
  • Efficiency: 1
  • Pain: 8
  • Impact: 4

Blow Your Brains Out

Blow Your Brains Out Most popular, and still continues to be most impactual. Theres nothing worse for your loved one than entering the room and seeing you, and then your brain. All in a big mess (almost as bad as the room itself). And some writing on the wall in your blood (This works very well if you can avoid spelling and grammar mistakes, as these are common when you are utilizing your writing material on the fly as it pours out of your body. Confusing, short, three lettered, cryptographic messages are the best).

  • Feasibility: 5
  • Style: 8
  • Efficiency: 8
  • Pain: 4
  • Impact: 9

Whatever your chosen method is though, you must take a minute to understand some rules of Suicide Etiquette.

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3 Responses to “The Suicide Reference: Part 2 – Methods”


  1. 1 Joshua Hoke September 28, 2012 at 4:00 am

    I have no idea how I navigated to this but this hilarious if it’s a joke and hysterical if it not. I love the reference to douglas adams as well. Good times.

  2. 2 Matt March 6, 2013 at 9:45 am

    Self immolation. Make a fuel of yourself !

  3. 3 http://www.nexopia.com/users/lupepisces0/blog/1-dvd-format-pilate-classes July 17, 2013 at 3:17 pm

    Excellent blog here! Also your site loads up very fast! What web host are you using?

    Can I get your affiliate link to your host? I wish my site loaded up as fast as yours lol


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