The Suicide Reference: Part 1 – Motivations

The heart has its reasons which reason knows not of. – Blaise Pascal

True, that. But the heart also has a bunch of arteries and veins connected to it which you know not of, and frankly, you’d now like it to cease functioning. But don’t rush, haste makes waste and waste is the last thing you want on your mind right now. You want to do this right. You want to make this big. You want to make this a memorable event. Well then, you need to start slow.

Back to the quote above then. Every popular suicide in history has had a neat reason behind it. You don’t want to take the plunge without knowing why you’re doing it. Sure you might want to keep it a secret to stir up some intresting gossip down in the morgue but you at least need to be aware of it yourself. Sometimes its not one reason but an aggregate of factors that have led you to taking up this activity. You need to think of each and every one of them before you pull the trigger. There might be one or two of them in there that might change your mind about choosing the method of self-demise.

For your reference, here is a List of the popular reasons for killing yourself (yup, just ran out of euphemisms). By no means is this list exhaustive so feel free to add your own (Post a comment with suggestions).

Spurned by Love

  • Unfaithful
  • Possesive
  • Bad in Bed
  • Unappreciative
  • Got dumped
  • Got rejected
  • Sexual orientation incompatible
  • Embarassing in public
  • Wants to get married
  • Doesn’t want to get married
  • Wants to have kids
  • Doesn’t want to have kids
  • Is a kid

Family Issues

  • Annoying in-laws
  • Annoying kids
  • Annoying parents
  • Wrong parents
  • Parents don’t like spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend
  • Parents don’t like you
  • Too many siblings
  • Parents/in-laws moving in
  • Parents/in-laws not moving out
  • Girlfriend/Boyfriend not moving in
  • Neighbour has better kids than you do
  • Embarassed of a family member
  • Afraid of a family member
  • Smelling of a family member

Pets

  • Dies
  • Gives birth
  • Can’t give birth
  • Lousy
  • Pooped on the carpet
  • Ate your homework
  • Ate somebody
  • Is endangered species

Technical

  • Computer not working
  • Internet not working
  • You still use Internet Explorer
  • CAPS LOCK STUCK
  • Remote lost
  • No TV
  • iPod doesn’t charge
  • Cell phone doesn’t charge
  • Cell phone company charges too much
  • Too many prank calls
  • Too much spam
  • Inbox empty
  • Nobody reads your blog

School/Work

  • Failed exam
  • Teacher hit you
  • Teacher hit on you
  • You called the Principal stupid
  • The Principal called you stupid
  • Got fired
  • Unemployed
  • Illiterate
  • Retired

Inferiority Complex

  • No friends
  • You’re a loser
  • You’re a moron
  • You’re an in-law
  • You don’t know algebra
  • You can’t unhook a bra
  • You’ve never seen a bra
  • You wear a bra (males only)
  • You always wear a bra (females only)
  • U cnt spell
  • Somebody stole your lunch money
  • Somebody ate your lunch
  • Somebody ate your pet

Financial

  • Debt
  • Got robbed
  • Got married
  • Stock market crash
  • Car crash
  • Spyware stole your credit card number
  • Tax rates increased
  • Tax rates decreased and you worked for the government
  • Not enough money to purchase stuff to kill self if required (Do not fear, Part 2 of this series has some resources for you)

Physical

  • Too fat
  • Too thin
  • Too hairy
  • Acne
  • Warts
  • Gas
  • Constipation
  • Red Eye
  • No Eye
  • Extra Eye
  • Body odour

Consequence

  • You stole something
  • You killed somebody
  • You know too much
  • You know too little

Miscellaneous

  • Dared by a friend
  • April Fool’s joke
  • Snakes
  • Bugs
  • Traffic Jam
  • Chewing gum stuck to your shoe

High vocabulary

  • Hexakosioihexekontahexaphobia
  • Arachnophobia
  • Schizophrenia
  • Spirogyra
  • Floccinaucinihilipilification

Hopefully by now you have picked a few (Don’t pick all!) that apply to you and now you have a few topics to create content for your suicide note (Disccused in Part 4). If re-visiting your reasons has left you emotional, don’t be afraid to curl up in a corner or cry, nobody judges a dead person. So take your time, don’t be in a rush. Once you’ve gathered yourself up again, it’s time to discuss the Methods of Self Demise.

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1 Response to “The Suicide Reference: Part 1 – Motivations”


  1. 1 Cindy Dazelheat May 5, 2008 at 10:29 pm

    You are strikingly funny! 🙂


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