1. Let people know where to find you. There’s no point killing yourself in style if your corpse is found a year later, without any strands of evidence of what you did. Always remember to leave your suicide note in a place where people will look first, like your house or the bar, and then give directions on how to find you. Treasure maps are always fun, so you could leave a number of clues leading to your body, or maybe trick the readers by giving two other false directions, and provide a prize for the one who guesses right. In case your method of dying is Explosion, you will need to provide a hundred meter radius of where to find your body parts.
2. Let people know who you are. If you are planning to make it a public event, you need the audience to associate a name and face to what they would be witnessing. In this case, introduce yourself before you jump from that building. Maybe wear a T-shirt with your name on it (never wear football jerseys unless you want to be confused for Ronaldo or something). If the event is not public, then carry an ID card on you.
3. Wear Formals. You never know who’s going to find your body. If it’s an unsuspecting gentleman and his lady on their way to dinner, it’s rather inappropriate if you are in your shorts, or worse, naked. An Armani suit would be perfect. Bow optional.
4. Leave something for the cleaners. If your death is a messy one, leave a tip for the guys who will be picking up your body parts. Just because your day went bad, doesn’t mean their’s should too.
5. Write a will. Make sure the lawyer knows who gets what, lest your family members start fighting. You don’t want your children separating because you were stupid enough to forget to divide your belongings (if any).
6. Pay your bills and cancel all subscribed services. Be considerate to the milkman, postman, lewd magazine provider, newspaper guy, telephone guy, electricity dude, hot pizza girl and of course your drug dealer. Inform them that their business is going to suffer a hit, but make sure to invite them to your funeral.
7. Plan your funeral. Get a jazzy place, maybe hire a band, and be absolutely confident about the quality of food your caterers provide. There’s nothing worse than going to a depressing funeral and getting loose motions the next day. Keep the guests entertained at all times. Clowns are a particular asset if you have children. You might also contact the local drama team to enact your death to enlighten the unaware.
8. Pick a good time. Be considerate to your guests’ schedules. Do not choose a date when everybody will be busy at work or school. Somewhere around summer break sounds good. Make it a sunday if possible.
9. Write your own Death Certificate. Attach this to your suicide note so that it’s not hard to find. Not only will this save your family members and unpaid lawyer (notice his name is not there in Rule #6) some work, but it will also make sure that the certificate is accurate (spelling and cause of death) and genuine (sign it yourself).
10. End with a happy note. Don’t spoil the day of everybody around you just because you had a great idea. Remember to add “Have a nice day ” at the end of your suicide note/tape/video. The smiley face is of utmost importance. Add two more to be extra polite.

Suicide is not just about dying, it’s about killing yourself. Once you’ve decided that you are going to undertake this final task, there’s no use of fading away in some cold little hospital with tubes sticking into your nose. You want to do something to yourself which you will not regret later on (not that you could anyway).

Maybe you want to take efforts in making this moment memorable, or maybe you want it to be quick. Maybe you’d like to invest in something that will improve your experience or maybe you want to save the money for someone else. Whatever your criterias are, this article will help you figure out which method you need to choose. Again, this is not an exhaustive list by any means, but it’s a good start to a strain of thought. Methods are rated out of 10 for each of the following:

1. Feasibility. Is the method easily doable? Is it straightforward or is there a learning curve involved? Does the method fit in your budget or do you have to invest time and money into this?
2. Style. How cool is it? Does it have the glamour that you’ve always wanted? Would it attract sufficient media attention or would it just be the talk of the local bar?
3. Efficiency. Does it wipe you out in one go? Are there chances that the method might fail and leave you scarred or limp for life (gee not that again)? Will it incorporate in generating a lack of intrest for future attempts of this event?
4. Pain. Does it hurt bad? Or is it quick and harmless? Choosing a method that is low on pain might compromise the Style factor, but here’s being considerate to the weak-hearted.
5. Impact. Will it have a long lasting impact on those who care (if any)? What will be the reaction of the next person who finds your corpse?

Alright, so here goes. In no particular order, some Methods of Self Demise:

Decapitation

Beheading yourself would be one of the hardest ways of killing yourself, and its the one of the most common methods of executioning for centuries, yet its one of the most stunning methods in the list. No doubt this would be a head raiser (no pun intended) but the cost of a guillotine could be rather heavy on your pocket. There is also a slight learning curve involved to get the guillotine assembled properly but its no problem if you just use your head (no pun intended again). Waste disposal (of your head) also becomes an issue. But this method is sure to bring you a quick end and so finish any off with any last phone calls before you get cut off (pun intended).

• Feasibility: 3
• Style: 8
• Efficiency: 9
• Pain: 4
• Impact: 7

Defenestration

Getting yourself thrown out of a window or bridge is easy, and, if you choose a nice public spot (eg. Empire State Building, Shaquille O’Neal’s head, The Moon), you are sure to get grand spectatorship. In fact, just screaming from the top of a building is enough to get all the local and national news stations alerted and it’s possible for you to make your jump on Live TV too! For best effects throw a few things down first, such as water baloons or glass or your cat to give people an idea of what to expect. Then plunge head first! Be warned though, if you do not choose an adequate height or wait too long till the circus freaks get their trampolines your plans could get badly thwarted. If you do it right though, the scaterring of limbs at the bottom of the pit will create an excellent activity for the 6th graders looking to keep your city Clean and Green.

• Feasibility: 10
• Style: 5
• Efficiency: 6
• Pain: 5
• Impact: 6

Hang Thyself

No noose is good noose, right? WRONG. Hanging yourself could very well be a spectator sport, and perfecting your noose to fit you best is a very intresting activity. It also guarentees success, although the speed of success is ambigious meaning you need to be able to take some downright pain. The best part about it though is that if done right (such as from a ceiling fan just that is running), it can create a devestating sight for the next person who bumps into you. Very amusing.

• Feasibility: 8
• Style: 7
• Efficiency: 8
• Pain: 7
• Impact: 8

Explosion

Speaking of limbs being scattered around, why not let your entire body be shattered to bits and pieces.Building your own explosives set and setting it off is not the hardest thing in the world (though it involves a learning curve and high budget) and the satisfaction of usnig something you created yourself with your own sweat and tears is unmatchable. The fireworks also make great entertainment if you have kids at home and the loud noise will be ringing in your family’s ears for ever and ever. The advantage is that there is a 100% guarentee that life will end instantly, most often even before the brain can register the explosion. Instantly vapourized. Neat.

• Feasibility: 2
• Style: 10
• Efficiency: 10
• Pain: 0
• Impact: 8

Drug Overdose

Getting stoned (not literally) to death is one of the most enjoyable methods. Who wouldn’t like to be high for the last moments of their career as a human being?Watching colourful hexagons floating in the middle of nowhere, hallucinating about dragons and butterflies, and before you know it, it all goes black. Sure your body will suffer extreme effects and you don’t just die instantly but hey, you wouldn’t notice a thing! Disadvantage is that its a rather boring and selfish act. Nobody else would care much and hence it’s not recommended for those who like the spotlight. Theres also the risk of not being in the right state of mind to know you are supposed to consume too much and actually getting up the next morning with the worst hangover man could receive (and you thought your life was bad).

• Feasibility: 6
• Style: 1
• Efficiency: 3
• Pain: 2
• Impact: 1

Hold Your Breath

The most challenging suicide technique ever. Most people say its impossible. Some even say that it would be easier to lick your elbow. But then again, there was a time when we thought the Earth was flat. You never know whether you can do it unless you try. Although its not much of a crowd puller. some literary pieces may make a note or mention of you being one of the very first to do this right. It’s a nice and clean method, and its free, but don’t underestimate the balls required to pull it off. Full points for manliness!

• Feasibility: 1
• Style: 6
• Efficiency: 1
• Pain: 8
• Impact: 4

Blow Your Brains Out

Most popular, and still continues to be most impactual. Theres nothing worse for your loved one than entering the room and seeing you, and then your brain. All in a big mess (almost as bad as the room itself). And some writing on the wall in your blood (This works very well if you can avoid spelling and grammar mistakes, as these are common when you are utilizing your writing material on the fly as it pours out of your body. Confusing, short, three lettered, cryptographic messages are the best).

• Feasibility: 5
• Style: 8
• Efficiency: 8
• Pain: 4
• Impact: 9

Whatever your chosen method is though, you must take a minute to understand some rules of Suicide Etiquette.

The heart has its reasons which reason knows not of. – Blaise Pascal

True, that. But the heart also has a bunch of arteries and veins connected to it which you know not of, and frankly, you’d now like it to cease functioning. But don’t rush, haste makes waste and waste is the last thing you want on your mind right now. You want to do this right. You want to make this big. You want to make this a memorable event. Well then, you need to start slow.

Back to the quote above then. Every popular suicide in history has had a neat reason behind it. You don’t want to take the plunge without knowing why you’re doing it. Sure you might want to keep it a secret to stir up some intresting gossip down in the morgue but you at least need to be aware of it yourself. Sometimes its not one reason but an aggregate of factors that have led you to taking up this activity. You need to think of each and every one of them before you pull the trigger. There might be one or two of them in there that might change your mind about choosing the method of self-demise.

For your reference, here is a List of the popular reasons for killing yourself (yup, just ran out of euphemisms). By no means is this list exhaustive so feel free to add your own (Post a comment with suggestions).

Spurned by Love

• Unfaithful
• Possesive
• Bad in Bed
• Unappreciative
• Got dumped
• Got rejected
• Sexual orientation incompatible
• Embarassing in public
• Wants to get married
• Doesn’t want to get married
• Wants to have kids
• Doesn’t want to have kids
• Is a kid

Family Issues

• Annoying in-laws
• Annoying kids
• Annoying parents
• Wrong parents
• Parents don’t like spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend
• Parents don’t like you
• Too many siblings
• Parents/in-laws moving in
• Parents/in-laws not moving out
• Girlfriend/Boyfriend not moving in
• Neighbour has better kids than you do
• Embarassed of a family member
• Afraid of a family member
• Smelling of a family member

Pets

• Dies
• Gives birth
• Can’t give birth
• Lousy
• Pooped on the carpet
• Ate your homework
• Ate somebody
• Is endangered species

Technical

• Computer not working
• Internet not working
• You still use Internet Explorer
• CAPS LOCK STUCK
• Remote lost
• No TV
• iPod doesn’t charge
• Cell phone doesn’t charge
• Cell phone company charges too much
• Too many prank calls
• Too much spam
• Inbox empty
• Nobody reads your blog

School/Work

• Failed exam
• Teacher hit you
• Teacher hit on you
• You called the Principal stupid
• The Principal called you stupid
• Got fired
• Unemployed
• Illiterate
• Retired

Inferiority Complex

• No friends
• You’re a loser
• You’re a moron
• You’re an in-law
• You don’t know algebra
• You can’t unhook a bra
• You’ve never seen a bra
• You wear a bra (males only)
• You always wear a bra (females only)
• U cnt spell
• Somebody stole your lunch money
• Somebody ate your lunch
• Somebody ate your pet

Financial

• Debt
• Got robbed
• Got married
• Stock market crash
• Car crash
• Spyware stole your credit card number
• Tax rates increased
• Tax rates decreased and you worked for the government
• Not enough money to purchase stuff to kill self if required (Do not fear, Part 2 of this series has some resources for you)

Physical

• Too fat
• Too thin
• Too hairy
• Acne
• Warts
• Gas
• Constipation
• Red Eye
• No Eye
• Extra Eye
• Body odour

Consequence

• You stole something
• You killed somebody
• You know too much
• You know too little

Miscellaneous

• Dared by a friend
• April Fool’s joke
• Snakes
• Bugs
• Traffic Jam
• Chewing gum stuck to your shoe

High vocabulary

• Hexakosioihexekontahexaphobia
• Arachnophobia
• Schizophrenia
• Spirogyra
• Floccinaucinihilipilification

Hopefully by now you have picked a few (Don’t pick all!) that apply to you and now you have a few topics to create content for your suicide note (Disccused in Part 4). If re-visiting your reasons has left you emotional, don’t be afraid to curl up in a corner or cry, nobody judges a dead person. So take your time, don’t be in a rush. Once you’ve gathered yourself up again, it’s time to discuss the Methods of Self Demise.

1. Motivation. The driving force behind your decision to take the leap makes a huge difference to the outcome of the event.
2. Methods. The manner of self demise defines your identity, or the lack thereof. You don’t want to fade away quietly in a boring manner. Besides, a subtle suicide is rather unentertaining and you have the right to have fun all the way to the end.
3. Etiquette. You have to be considerate to your neighbours, family and society. You don’t want to cause trouble or inconvinience to others just because you had a bad day. There are certain standard rules to be followed.
4. Suicide Notes. Writing a good note can make all the difference. Don’t you want your final message to be perfect?
5. Final Thoughts. Your will. Your last wish. Your final words.Your funeral. Your obituary. Your destination (Heaven, Hell, Re-incarnation). Don’t forget a thing before you leave.

Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed in this series are purely for entertainment, and the author is not responsible for any inconvinience caused whether you follow the guidance or not. If you were instead looking for reasons to continue living, see Cheese. Or else if you were looking for an answer to life, the universe and everything, then it’s simple: 42.

For once it was not Wikipedia that answered me (it was too technical for somebody who has only a small clue), but good old HowStuffWorks.com. They didn’t have an article that was titled How the Internet works but they did have How Internet Infrastructure Works and How Web Servers Work, the latter being more precise and informative.

http://computer.howstuffworks.com/web-server2.htm

• The browser broke the URL into three parts:
  1. The protocol (“http”)
  2. The server name (“www.howstuffworks.com”)
  3. The file name (“web-server.htm”)
• The browser communicated with a name server to translate the server name “www.howstuffworks.com” into an IP Address, which it uses to connect to the server machine.
• The browser then formed a connection to the server at that IP address on port 80 (Ports are discussed later in the article).
• Following the HTTP protocol, the browser sent a GET request to the server, asking for the file “http://www.howstuffworks.com/web-server.htm” (Protocols are also discussed later).
• The server then sent the HTML text for the Web page to the browser.
• The browser read the HTML tags and formatted the page onto your screen.

The article describes each of the steps in lay-man detail, so you would understand it without having any prior idea. Do check it out.